Of Office Paper and Ragged Diaries
by HiddenCamellia
Summary: Letters to each other written in the military. Of love, fear and hope. RivaMika


**Credits/Disclaimers: The story is developed by me, everything else belongs to their respective creators. Written for RivaMikaWeek5 (July 3rd-10** **th** **, 2015). Day7: Vegetal (Growth).**

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Girl-Wrapped-In-Sadness-And-Red-Wool,**

Everytime it rains, I see you hurry to the backside of the desolate castle we live in. I don't think you know that I follow you – always. I see you stand there looking up at the heavens, wanting something till the needles of cold water hit your face and you close your eyes from the attack. As you reopen them, I know tears are streaming down your face, your crimson lips slightly apart and raindrops slipping down like they do on a rose petal – clinging and failing.

You cry to match the pouring rain. You cry as if to return the loudness of the thunder with the loudness of the breaking of your heart as you live everyday. You cry. Every single time. And there is not one fucking thing I can do about it. I suppose, I could order you to let me hide you in the depths of my heart and give you the comfort to fight your demons and the knowledge that I am always here for you. But you are Mikasa Ackerman and you don't let people in – much less, me.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To The-Short-Man-Who-Follows-Me-Around-And-Thinks-That-I-Don't-Notice,**

Everytime it rains, my heart thunders to break free of the chains with which I keep it bound. It is a dangerous thing, you see, for it can break all my resolve without making the slightest of sounds. And with it, throw ajar the gates that keep my fears, insecurities, wishes and emotions at bay. The rains always bring that out and I am always terrified, so I run. I run from prying eyes. It is quite easy too – no one notices when I slip out, except you.

Initially, I had wanted to mislead you – just stand there and do nothing. But when my tears finally escaped and even though, I knew I had your attention, I could not stop myself from fulfilling my ritual. It seems that it held some kind of attraction for you too. Or perhaps concern? I am not sure...but you pointedly follow me around whenever there is a stray cloud in the sky.

I like having you watch me. Knowing that I have someone.

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Lonely-Person-At-The-End-Of-Every-Success-She-Achieves,**

The rains are one thing, but you are lonely all the time. And I know. The vivid lights of the day and stark darkness of the night colour you in faded hues. That make you ugly. And desirable. I think I am too invested in you, but I have known loneliness and I have learnt to not lean on anyone, yet you keep drawing me out. For someone so young and so new to my life, it is too unfair and too bold of you to come traipsing in. Would you let go? Leave me alone for fuck's sake?

Please don't.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To The-Officer-Who-Commands-Merely-With-His-Eyes,**

You think I don't know? I always know, Corporal. The way your eyes have been wandering towards me with an increasing frequency these days. The way you are almost watching out for me during missions. The way you look when you are looking at me. I know.

Thank you, though. It is comforting to be in your stony stare. I feel like laughing sometimes because you are so intense. Unfortunately, that feeling only associates itself with you these days. Should I laugh and smile for you? Do you think the winds will carry that and murmur in your ears that you are measuring up my tears in mirth; changing my sadness? Knowing that, will you still continue?

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Girl-In-The-Shadows,**

I have noticed that you have taken to hiding these days. Especially when no one is around. That is very strange. I know that nothing frightens you. When you hide in the shadows, behind trees, by tiny hallways, you seem to be happy, somehow. Why? I want to know? What makes you smile and open your eyes widely to take in the small offerings of happiness that we are reluctantly offered by this cruel world?

I caught you smiling once. Yesterday, late at night. And the entire world turned beautiful at that moment. And that memory - your crimson lips, downcast eyes and a small happiness stretched on your face, is enough to suffice my existence, Mikasa.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To The-Boy-Who-Seems-A-Little-Bewildered,**

Are you alright? You seem to be out of sorts...since last night. I can not figure out why though...nothing spectacular has happened. But it is the good kind of out-of-sorts. I am not worried, but I do wonder. What makes you happy?

I am happy too these days. Mostly because I think I have started to let my eyes take off wherever they please. They are mostly pleased by your visage.

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Soldier-In-You,**

You will be the death of me and you will do it without tearing me from limb to limb, driving a blade through my chest or firing gunpowder into my guts. You will kill me by making a home in my heart and then taking it with you when you leave. And on today's mission, you almost left. _Don't you dare do that again. I forbid you from disobeying a direct order:_ Stay. With. Me.

Tell me that it is that simple. Tell me that you will stay, if I only ask you to stay. Or order you? Anything to keep you safe.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To The-Man-In-You,**

This mission took it's toll. Didn't it, Corporal? You sure seem angrier than I assumed you would be. We failed, but only slightly – so, then why are you so upset? To be more accurate, why are you homicidal? I have seen you in and after missions before. Trust me, I _have seen_ you. You have never been this disconcerted. Are you alright?

It is amusing that I find myself asking if you are well, a little too often. I think I will keep on doing that. I like thinking about you.

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Lady-In-You,**

I knew you were beautiful, for I had seen your soul bared in front of me – in the rain, underneath trees, in despair and in hope. But today, you are the reflection of elegance that I don't want to touch. I am afraid that if I touch, it will vanish into thin air. Like a mirage.

For once, I am glad that your uniform was covered in mud and filth. Pale blue suits you. Very much.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To The-Officer-In-You,**

What happened to you, Sir? No reprimands for the cadet who stepped out in a summer dress rather than her uniform? Why won't you scold me? I fall under your jurisdiction of discipline.

But your eyes say too much – or I am capable of reading them too much, I suppose. I am going to run away into the back of the castle again tonight – no rain. I just want some solitude while I relive that moment when you saw me and smile to my heart's content.

You are welcome to join me. Sir.

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To You-In-Blue-Dresses-And-Inky-Nights,**

I shouldn't have followed you. I mean, I should have. I am glad that I did. And I will again.

Keep looking at me the way you did. The way you are. That is enough to keep me breathing.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To You-Who-Needs-An-Anger-Management-Class,**

You were enraged due to my near death experience?

I think my eyes said everything I could have said to you in response to that. Ranging from conflicted emotions at your lack of confidence in my abilities to your keen concern...I don't even know what it is that I am feeling.

But you seem calmer now. And that has made me happy. Why do you insist on confusing me like this?

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To The-Woman-Whose-Thoughts-Are-All-I-Am,**

Thank you for making my world so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that cup of tea with me in secrecy every evening. Thank you for making this life worth living.

Days pass by too quickly now, but that is alright. I have a promise to you.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **The-Man-Who-Makes-My-Thoughts,**

Perhaps my confusion will not last longer. You make all my thoughts clear and they immediately get muddied the minute you leave. But I am learning. I am growing. And I know that you can see it – you know it too.

Are you proud? Afraid? Lost? Or maybe confused?

I will help. I know how it feels.

 _From the desk of Lance Corporal Levi, Reconnaissance Corps_

 **To Her,**

I love you.

I do. I have always loved you. It just took some time to find you.

 _From the torn pages of the diary of Mikasa Ackerman, 104_ _th_ _Trainee Squad_

 **To Him,**

I love you.

I truly do. I will always be yours, like you are always mine. Don't let go.

 _From Me to You,_

We will always suffer in silence. You because you cannot speak of your troubles to anyone and I because I will never want to speak of my troubles. But I can hear your words clearly – twanging painfully against the strings of my heart, reverberating in cantankerous noise. Echoing your pain that I can read and feel. Hey, you think we could solve the melancholy that surfaces in my eyes and wanders through yours like a homeless sentiment? Do you think we could give each other that home?

 _ **From somewhere to somewhere – let's walk in vain. With you, I don't need a reason.**_


End file.
